a breather

taking three much needed days "off". in quotes bc i am working from home but just being here as opposed to the office makes a HUGE difference. cleaning/organizing apt now, then gym (again!), then meeting friends for drinks. budget is BLOWN, being covered by savings, but i am just enjoying myself and reining back in after tonight.

feel good.

one step forward, two steps back

i had to go in and have some liquid removed since i was unable to swallow my saliva. a familiar tale. anyway, i am better now AND feeling restricted, not too tight but tight enough that i cannot just eat whatever. i am chewing a lot and taking tiny bites. i think this is how its supposed to be. i'm hopeful that when i go back in two weeks, i will not only have lost weight but the more viscous liquid will be holding the leak. pray pray pray.

i also did something today i have not done in a year almost - gone to the gym! first i didnt feel like it, then couldnt afford it. now i have paid it up and added it to my budget and went for an hour today followed by a leisurely stroll around park slope. it feels great. i'm going out to a party tonight too.

the budget is OKAY, straining this week i must admit due to the costs of the baby shower last weekend. but i have enough for a bottle of wine tonight to bring to the fete. i transfered some money from savings which my sister will shoot me for but i will repay myself next paycheck - i just do not want to be down to NOTHING. i have food and all that but its still awful to not have a dime to your name.

also, finally getting grown up furniture! my sister is selling me her living room set on RIDICULOUS discount and on lay away but delivering immediately. i'm so excited! i love this apartment but never have anyone over (except idiots i'm hooking up with) because i have this beat down, to' up couch and a weird thing my tv sits on. i still need a new tv stand but have nice bookshelves, nice art and now nice seating!!

i've sprung a leak

so its confirmed - my band has a leak. the port to be more specific. i was supposed to be up to 8 ccs and when they withdrew to check, it was only 5. he filled me up with a more viscous fluid than the saline solution, up to 6.5. well actually he filled it to 7 but then i couldn't swallow my saliva and started throwing up and feeling awful so he took out 0.5 ccs. i have an appt in a couple weeks where they will check to see that it is still at 6.5 or close to. if its not, then the port will have to be changed. meaning, another surgery. a short, 10 minute surgery, but surgery nonetheless.... i am glad i finally addressed this. i do not know what took me so long to figure this out. anyway, hopefully we are back on track.

it wasn't supposed to be easy but this happens in like 1 percent of patients - and of course happened to me.

i feel better but not great. its been a while since i had a real fill i guess and i forgot how lovely this feels. gagging, burping, choking, gagging again. i can drink liquids verrry slowly and just spent 40 minutes having a scoop of ice cream - it was mostly melted - not good for me but i needed food but obviously couldn't tolerate anything. so ice cream. now having some tea. at least i do not feel hungry after a scoop of ice cream, right??!

do over?

i spoke to the nurse at my doctor's office and it does appear that something is wrong with the lap band. it may have a leak which is preventing it from filling me up. if that is the case, then they will have to re-do the procedure. it wasn't awful fortunately so i will have it redone if necessary but what a fucking pain in the ass.

wow, i'm a terrible blogger!

i need to make this a daily habit. otherwise its moot.

quick update - weight loss is slooooow. my brother actually had the lap band surgery yesterday. that makes FOUR of seven kids who have had weight loss surgery. my dad is thin as a rail and two of my sisters got his genes and the rest of us... well, you know. i had a fill last week and then went in two days later to get another fill because i wasn't tight enough. one week later, able to eat a pretty sizeable cheeseburger and some fries. i am going to call and speak to someone because ever since i went to the ER in MAY, it just has not been the same. i am scared that the band slipped and i might have to have the procedure done again. i pray this isn't the case.

however, i am back to good with the gym and so that is a priority. although there is a new article saying that exercise will not help you lose weight! http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1914857,00.html - kind of takes the wind out of my sails. that said, the gym is great for muscle tone, good sleep, energy so its still worth it obviously.

my financial situation is vastly improved. i have stuck to the budget like glue! and thanks to my sister's diligence i have been really good. only one minor slip, that wasn't even a slip because my insurance company somehow forgot to bill me in july but is taking double in august. thats fine - its on the spreadsheet. i even now know how i am going to deal with wedding presents that are sickly late without breaking the bank! my sister really is amazing. i feel SO much more relaxed - i did not even realize how stressed i was.

i got an A in my summer class - 3.93 GPA. i'm bragging. but i work so hard at school and work that i feel like i can brag about that at least. those are the things i know for sure i am good at...

relationships - that's another thing. i'm not so good at those.

mr craigslist is in ireland. i miss him. i cannot help but wish he would come to his senses. i am also dying to have sex. i admit it. i'm used to it and its been so long. sad.

morgan spazzed on me after just one date - he wanted me to go out with him again and was pissed that i wouldn't drop everything. he called a week later to apologize and ask for another date. i said okay even though i was kind of like, if he spazzs after one date, what is he like in a relationship? but i gave him the benefit of the doubt. we went out tuesday night and he pretty much told me that he wants to see me a lot... i was taken aback - not only because its so quick but because i sense that he just really wants a girlfriend and i happen to fit the bill. i also am not feeling him at all. not attracted. at all. he's not UGLY or anything, just not my type, i guess. i don't know. but i am willing to go out with him again - doesn't seem right to write him off yet. but i will be honest and say that i am still figuring stuff out. i don't want to be lead on and i certainly do not want to do that to anyone else. he's really nice and smart and we have a nice time together. the thing is that even though i really want sex, i do not see myself even kissing him - that says something to me...

the dude i met on the subway - jesus is his name! - i was planning on going out with him once or twice. i could see myself making out with him for sure. but he freaked me out when he called 8 times in a ROW. he left one message and then just called every five minutes or so. then a couple more times over the weekend. i don't know - that is weird right?

tomorrow i am meeting a friend for coffee or wine on his roofdeck. hmm. he and i have made out a bunch of times but never anything serious. he's a runner, slim, attractive. well he was attractive before he became manorexic. thats what i never got - he is always coming on to me (after drinks) but i would think that my body type would repulse him considering his fanaticism. but i also know that lots of men find fat women sexy and it kind of confuses them... whatever, i do not want to make out with him again and i hope he doesn't try anything. we are just supposed to be chatting about volunteer opportunities for him... unless thats an ulterior motive????

why am i so suspicious today???

anyway, apologies for the delay in posting to my ONE reader :) and i will try to do better in the future. probs not this weekend - insane day tomorrow, prepping for baby shower saturday morning, then baby shower, then running off to fire island until sunday night!

i have a pretty awesome life, i should NOT complain as much as i do. i'm sure i will be back on here bitching and moaning in no time.

a long day!

i woke up first around 7am, half drunk and half hungover. i bailed on work which i have not done in a long time but it was a necessity.

it was my friends last day at work, she is starting her mba program this fall. so we went to a nearby mexican restaurant and there were pitchers of margaritas that were the most toxic i have ever had. i joked that they were made from paint thinner and turpentine and i do not think i was far off. i still drank too many of them and was already drunk when we made our way to a karoake bar. many many many pitchers of beer later, i was passed out in the back of the cab with a paper bag over my face in case i threw up. good times.

i seriously felt AWFUL today but i was not the only one. everyone was tanked and out too late. messy. it took me hours to convince myself to get up for water and food even though i knew they would make me feel better.

and i had a date scheduled. i pushed it back a few hours to 7pm and was able to pull myself together, throw on a nice dress and put on some make up so i did not look like death. i was not particularly excited about the date but nervous as i have not been on one in a while. not a real one anyway. we met at a place in cobble hill called the chocolate room which is a nice date place. not great for a girl on a diet but fortunately i do not have a super sweet tooth. just some coffee and a chocolate chip cookie and a couple bites of my dates chocolate cake.

so my date. morgan. 28, persian, getting his mba. he did his undergrad in engineering at an international university in cyprus then moved to the us to live with his sister and do his graduate degree. very nice, smart and funny. his profile said he was five foot ten so i was not surprised that he was closer to five foot eight. he is sort of attractive but not the look i generally go for. also, he is on the slim side which makes me feel somewhat self-conscious. but we had a nice time, nice conversation... we are planning to go out again soon. so i guess that means he liked me. and i am willing to see how it goes. definitely a good experience!

i have not been good with the budget the past few days. i charged a pitcher of beer and took out cash today. but i took my cards out of my wallet and kept only half the cash for the next couple days for coffee and toilet paper. the other has to go to some groceries, i am finally running low. going to my sisters tomorrow to help her organize some stuff for ebay - hope to convince her to pay me $10 or with free stuff. and seeing my brother on sunday who owes me $15. so not terrible but not great. i have some reimbursements coming my way soon too so that is also good.

all in all, good stuff.

i have some work to do this weekend and need to work on my paper and some stuff for school which sucks but just two more weeks of class then a FULL MONTH OFF! then post labor day, back to hell. but i am going to enjoy every moment of freedom i have - including going to the gym, free events in the city, hanging out with my niece.

my niece - the love of my life. my six year old niece has autism and i really think that makes me love her more somehow. i am so fiercely protective of her. fortunately, she likes being held and touched and is not a severe case. she is also of normal intelligence thankfully. i just want her to have a good life. at six years old, her idiocyncrasies are not damning but every year that goes by that she is in special education and not really communicating is scary. not everyone is nice or understanding of people who have disabilities and that is what worries me. and her parents of course. but i made a commitment about a year and a half ago that i was going to spend more time with her and build a relationship and i am happy that we have made such progress. my brother is too. i just love her. her long eyelashes, her beautiful face, her smile, her little hands, her obsession with dora and diego, her willfulness... over christmas break, we went to the aquarium in atlanta (stunning) and saw these amazing whale sharks. we talked about the whale sharks a million times. when she saw the fish tanks at the prospect park zoo, she said "whale shark". you never know what is getting through to her at the time but there it was. months later and she made that connection. prompted by her mother, she told me "i love you too" - and i burst into tears. i never thought i would hear those works from her and it just killed me.

autism is a real issue in our world today. we do not know what causes it or why it happens. it is also such a HUMAN condition - i mean, taking away the ability to relate socially for such a social animal... baffling. it happens everywhere and in every culture and every social class. i do not think there is a cure or that we will necessarily know one in our lifetime. all i hope is that she continues to make progress in such a way to live a somewhat independent and satisfying life.

anyway, thats it for now. going to try to do a bit of homework before calling it a night.

one step forward, one step back

i finally completely broke up with mr. craigslist. he does not want the type of serious relationship i want and likely never will so it needed to happen. still sucks though. i seem to have a habit of meeting and dating men that are commitment-phobic or something. except, they often seem to marry the person they date RIGHT AFTER ME.

anyway, i have a date with someone from match.com on friday after work. i am not that excited about it but i have to get back into the saddle so to speak...

foodwise - okay. i had a little post-breakup pig out but certainly not at the level that it could have been. have to get back on the horse tomorrow (what is with these lame metaphors today!).

i really need to go to the gym but i owe them money and they were not having it. i plan to pay that down soon so i can go. it will help with weight loss and mood and i need that.

the budget is going well mostly. its hard but necessary. i told the bride that i cannot go to vegas for her bachelorette. unfortunately we already have a strained relationship from the past and it just seemed like another inconsiderate move on my part. i do feel bad about it but it is what it is. my friend should be able to move past this and think about what a real friend is - which is rush to her side when she needs me, stay on the phone for hours when she needs it, be her support... but sometimes that doesn't matter, i guess. we will see.

life goes on.