girdles as torture device

i am in my sister's wedding on saturday, june 6th. i have a pretty nice dress - red jersey, floor length with a satin band around the waist. the cleavage is a bit much. but i look pretty good in it. jersey material is very comfortable - but is not the most flattering. it tends to highlight physical flaws. so today, i went with my sister and mother to buy a GIRDLE.

i have been avoiding wearing them for years. i bought one last year for another bridesmaid dress (always the bridesmaid, nevah the bride!) but it was so uncomfortable and didn't really seem to make me look any better. i tried wearing it one or two times but then stopped - it doesn't feel good and i don't look good in it, so why bother?

but i definitely need something with this jersey dress. so off we went to macys. thin people can wear spanx and shapewear. fat people wear girdles. i also resisted getting one because it was like throwing in the towel and saying "i give up - i'm fat!". my mom and sister pulled a few types - some that are like tight panties, some that are like biking shorts, some that are like a corset, one piece bathing suit... i tried them on over my underwear and checked out the fit with the dress i was wearing. i was moving like a contortionist trying to get these medieval torture devices unto my body. i began sweating profusely, doing this crazy dance, jumping, tugging, yanking. it took like five minutes to just get the first one on - only to have my mother tell me it wasn't the right kind!

i did end up finding one i liked - and it was $60. wtf!?! i am broke as a joke now but i was willing to get it because once i got the one i liked, i didn't need to try on any others and that was worth $1 billion dollars! i went to the sale rack and found a similar style in tan and black that were $12 each on sale - $8 after the coupon discount. win! they are comfortable enough that i am considering wearing one tomorrow. as awful as it feels to be someone who wears a girdle, an old fatty, but my stomach and love handles were greatly reduced and i looked neater, less sloppy. kinda worth it.

i am going back for a re-fill next week. as long as i get back to losing weight and maybe even trek to the gym for once, then the girdles can be a part of my past. right?

blogging ain't easy

i have more respect for bloggers. not that i didn't before. but even though thoughts are running through my mind constantly, writing them down is not always appealing.

so a lot has already happened since my first post. the fill was too tight. i started feeling odd, like i was choking on my saliva a few hours later. but feeling like you are choking is par for the course. i let it go. then around 3pm, i lay down under my desk to try to settle my stomach. despite not having anything in it, i felt nauseated somehow. i went home in a cab. i was feeling dizzy and so nauseated. all of a sudden i threw up into my mouth - all foamy saliva and the tablespoon of water i had earlier in the day. i opened the door of the cab and let it out into the street.

gross.

i got home, tried some warm liquids, some cold liquids and a little bit of rum (booze loosens the band a bit, my doctor actually suggested it!). everything came back up. eventually, i couldn't swallow my saliva. i followed the recommendations of my shrink (more about him later) and called the on-call doctor. she finally called me back and then contacted one of the bariatric interns to meet me at the ER. i waited for five hours but it was worth it. the two seconds it took to remove the liquid from the band were worth it. i felt so amazing after. it was the right choice. i could not stop drinking water. i was sore and it was moving slowly - but moving.

i have to go back next week for a re-fill. a less ambitious one this time. lesson learned - you have to trust yourself. if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't (i should use this more in my dating life!).

choking and burping

i decided to start this blog today to chronicle my weight loss "journey" after having the lap band procedure almost two months ago.

i currently weigh 274 pounds. i cringe looking at that number. you have a moment of "how the fuck did it get so bad?" but its been many years and generations maybe in the making. my highest weight was 285. almost 300 pounds. jesus. i remember when i weighed 150 and i thought i was fat. i was a junior in high school.

the last time i really liked how my body looked i was about 23 and about 200 pounds. fat but i always carried it relatively well and exercised regularly so the fat was tight at least. or maybe i am fooling myself. more about that to come.

anyway, the point of this blog is to have a public diary (an oxymoron) of this process i am now going through.

the title of this post, "choking and burping," is literal. after having the lap band surgery, you go in about once a month to have the band tightened, which reduces your ability to eat or drink thus helping you lose weight. its a physical restriction - you literally cannot eat or drink past a certain (small) amount or you are in excrutiating pain or you throw up. the day you have the band tightened is the worst one. the process takes seconds but results in 24 - 48 hours of feeling like you are choking - even on your own saliva. i am thirsty but cannot drink. its kind of torture.

i start feeling like "i wish i didn't get this procedure, i cannot live like a normal person" but then i remember "oh right, but i was out of control, huge and needed help". i cannot help feeling a bit pathetic on fill day. just so physically uncomfortable and THIRSTY but a sip of water is like drowning and just not worth it. not today.

so if you are considering this procedure or are curious about it or think that its the "easy" way out for fatties - this blog will be honest about all the pros and cons. hopefully, we will all learn something from this!