on a budget and on a diet!

i am on a budget! i worked with my super smart sister to put myself on a detailed budget. we cut out over $200 in monthly expenses from cellphone, cable (!) and internet service - i got different providers or changed level of service. i am at work all the time so i don't need the supersize premium packages. i mean, i am watching a documentary about "hand fishing" on pbs so definitely missing the showtime and hbo right now. i will get over it. and as long as i get my act together and get my savings up, i can get it again...

i bought tons of groceries today. we went to costco and the supermarket. economy package of litter, tuna, pasta sauce, chicken, pita, cold cuts, fruits and veggies. i split some with my sister as much of this would go bad otherwise. my sister also gave me some soups, couscous, curry mix, tea and crystal light as well i also don't have that much storage space. i made dinner tonight, lunch for tomorrow. since i am making it myself and planning ahead, i am making healthier meals and healthier snacks. so it will help the diet as well.

thats the thing about the lap band - or any other bariatric surgery. you still have to watch what you eat. you can eat a wide array of yummy things but you simply cannot eat very much. you cannot have ice cream and mashed potatoes every day - these are "soft calories". you can take in more ice cream than grilled chicken for example which is loaded with calories and fat and so you can gain weight. you have to figure out what you can tolerate and what you cannot.

recently, my fills have not been so filling. i still feel hungry and within a couple days can eat a ton. i am going back on july 6th for another adjustment. what is this, the third in five weeks? i mean, i guess its trial and error for these first few months but its frustrating. it is. i want to keep making progress. that said, the budget is addressing this directly and indirectly.

nothing new with boys. someone emailed me on match "hey. can i eat you out". shakespeare has nothing on this poet! since i have not been seeking out mr craigslist, he has been seeking me out. we had an alfresco picnic with wine the other day. and now he wants to make me dinner - his homemade meatballs. (hmm... i hope this wasn't a pun.) its confusing!

i went to brunch with a friend, her husband and their two kids. when you see a couple like that, you're like "oh yeah, it happens." and it looks great.

drinking drugs donuts and dollars

that title doesn't make much sense does it? but i wanted to have an aliteration and so there it was. the point is - booze + drugs (weed) = eating crap. which i did all weekend. and so many calories in those mixed drinks and the fruity girly drinks. i get sick of drinking vodka sodas and white wine and don't always love beer. but such is life.

i just borrowed $1500 from my parents. waiting for the wrath of my disappointed siblings. the sad thing is that this won't solve all my problems! just alleviates them for a week until next month when the clock starts ticking again. but i am committed to this money thing. i do not want to turn 32 penniless despite a good job. my parents never made the money i do, yet they took care of seven children. and admitting it to everyone helps so much. trying not to feel shame about it. maybe even proud of myself for putting my pride aside to help myself.

i am canceling the trip to las vegas. which will create LOTS OF ISSUES. but that is how it has to be. my parents are loaning me money while they are retired - i cannot be jetsetting to vegas. it just cannot be. sadly, no refunds available through virgin atlantic except credit with them. unfortunately, they do not fly anywhere i want to go! except seattle. maybe i will mooch off my sister and her husband for a week during the summer. it will cost the same as the flight to vegas which is already paid for - and i dont need to really spend money while i am there.

and i realized - as much as i love fire island - i cannot go there for full weekends. too expensive and too much bad food. i ate so much and drank so much and felt awful about it. no mas.

nothing new on the boy front. mr craigslist keeps calling and im-ing. i'm over it. but i did try to make out with a 27 year old this weekend so i need to check myself. match and nerve are not yielding any new fruit. in fact, i emailed last week with someone i met three years ago who is back on the site. with the same pics! umm, really? talk about truthiness. i hung out with another guy i dated, z, last week. he is an attractive man but is too angry and arrogant for me. i don't think that is how he REALLY is but he acts that way a lot which is almost the same thing... the truth is that he has a crazy family history and is constantly trying to prove himself. nothing seems to make him happy and that bums me out after a while. but that is how it is.

one thing i will say about z is that with him, i never felt like he was with me because i'm big - he was just attracted to me as he is attracted to other women. he once said that guys always talk about models but they are turned on by real women - the difference is that he could be honest about it. kind of refreshing...

the most recent fill still isnt enough. ironically i am now back to the point i was when i was gagging and had to go to the ER. i guess that was too much all at once. but its definitely not tight enough. i am going in next week for another "bump". looking forward to it.

refill and shower and finances

i have to go in on tuesday for a refill. i was filled on thursday but its still too loose. i feel hungry and am able to eat way more than i should be. i am proud of myself for being responsible enough to proactively seek out a fill rather than wait until the next scheduled date...

i was at a bridal shower yesterday and although i usually hate them i found myself longing to be the bride. and wondering if i was thinner now, if i would be closer to finding the right person...

interestingly, there are very few people i have dated that i am not in contact with in some way. the most recent one, we still have booty calls but i think that has to end because frankly i'm not feeling it anymore. but i am friends on facebook with my two serious ex-boyfriends. and another one and i get together for coffee every few months or so. he just texted me. i wonder what this means. does this mean i have difficultly letting go (which i do) or, on a more positive note, that i was important to these guys even if i wasn't the right person for them and so they still want me in their lives - even if in a peripheral way... i like that idea.

i now find myself seeking out pictures of myself - something i didn't do for years - and liking more and more of what i see. far from perfect and perfect from far. har har.

i read a blog recently about the similar characteristics of people in debt. they are usually obese, they eat out often (which contributes to obesity), they don't exercise regularly, they have premium cable channels (!) and are often early adopters to technology. i have an ipod and a blackberry and cable and things that if i cut them out, i would have far less monthly expenses. but i justify having them. that said, i made a choice that after this season of true blood (don't hate), i will be getting rid of hbo. then after dexter's season is over, i will get rid of that too. i lived for a while without the premium channels so should be able to do so again. if anything i can also wait for the dvds or sneak over to a friends to bogart their tivo... i don't need a new blackberry - even though i want to - so i will wait until my contract is up and call at&t and get a new one for free or change to verizon. i also recently signed up for these weird part-time secret shopper assignments, they do not pay much but something is better than nothing.

the payday loans are killing me and i am trying to get out of those for good. i have to. i make way too much money to be this behind on rent and my shrink bills. i am calling the rental office tomorrow and getting the sick balance and i might have to swallow my pride and borrow from my family to pay it off. there is no sense in being ashamed and not being able to get help when i need it. i have had too many chances and i find myself back in the same situation. my two vices - food and money. but i cannot continue to feel helpless about it. i have to be better.

almost 20 pounds down since january

i went in for my fill today to make up for the liquid removed during my ER visit. i was weighed and am now 268. six pounds lost in less than four weeks - amazing. made even more so by the fact that i was pretty "loose" these past few weeks. so overall, 14 pounds since surgery and almost 20 since the beginning of the year. its happening!!! people are noticing too.

the discomfort, the pain... its worth it.

fat grrrl dating

i wasn't always fat. i was on teams and super-active all through high school and most of college. i started getting heavy during my junior year in college, after getting on birth control (wishful thinking, i wasn't really having sex so often). then i spent a semester in senegal and gained about 30 pounds, putting me over the 200 mark. senior year of college, i lost some of the weight again by exercising like a lunatic. i moved to los angeles with a friend and through walking around and not having much money for food, i lost weight again. i moved back to nyc and into a sedentary life of working long hours and not exercising. my weight gain was slow but steady. i had ups and downs throughout those first few years.

the biggest bang was went i went on antidepressants in 2004. thats when the weight really exploded. suddenly, nothing fit. size 18 clothes were no longer fitting. and it kept going up. i was kind of in denial about it for so long. but i didn't look in the mirror much anymore (didn't own a full length mirror) and i would avoid looking at myself in pictures. i have a passel of thin friends who could keep themselves thin by not eating. not particularly healthy but thin.

and my weight kept going up.

at this time, i had two serious relationships. one with a turkish guy whom i loved who started to become less enchanted with me as i gained weight. i was hurt but felt ashamed of my depression and frankly he had little patience with what he considered my personality failures. then i dated a man whom i loved and thought i would marry. he eventually broke my heart and is now married to someone else. but he was attracted to me, even though i wasn't thin and attractive in the traditional sense. i was comfortable with him, comfortable being naked in front of him, felt sexy and amazing. our breakup really threw me into the deepest depression i had been in in years. fortunately, i found and began seeing an amazing therapist.

ironically, despite hating how my body looked, i was becoming a happier person. the antidepressants and therapy were helping me. it was like the block i had around my body was lifted and i knew there was something i needed to do about my (now) obese body. i also knew that despite feeling that i was never going to find someone to love who would love me for me - i still WANTED it. and i still do.

i wish that i believed that i could find someone before losing a significant amount of weight but i know that that is really hard to find. i'm not attracted to fat men so it stands to reason that the men i want are not attracted to me. but it still sucks.

i was casually seeing a man i met on craigslist "casual encounters" for the last year. somewhere along the line, it stopped being casual. we spent a significant amount of time together with lots of intimacy and cuddling... but it never left my apartment. he would come over, we would have amazing sex, cuddle, sleep, have dinner, watch movies - but always alone. when i got to the point where i wanted more and asked to take things to the next level - out of my apartment and into the real world, he hemmed and hawed and finally said he didn't want a relationship. i began to suspect that he didn't want his friends seeing him with a fat, black girl. we never talked about it - but i cannot help but wonder.

sometimes, it feels like being fat is worse than being a criminal.

after we ended things, i signed up for nerve and match, two online dating sites i have used successfully in the past. well, successfully may be an exaggeration but not by much. i mean, i did have relationships and dates from both those sites. the last time i was on those sites actively was 2007 however and i am definitely fatter now. sure, i will lose more weight in the coming months and years but for NOW, i'm at my fattest. and no one is winking, hotlisting or emailing. its like being invisible. its hard to move on when there is no one to move on to.

its funny - i went through a period where i was really depressed and lonely and would post "bbw" ads on craigslist. i would get so many emails - from guys i WOULD be attracted to - who wanted to have sex with me. but it was always in this dirty fetishist way. ugh.

i am confident about my intelligence and my worth as a person. but not about the way i look. not yet. losing weight isn't my only battle. its also in my head. i need to believe that i deserve someone who loves me and i need to believe that my inner value is as important as my outer appearance. some days are better than others. today is a tough day, after logging in to the dating sites and getting no responses AND hearing from the married ex AND hearing from the recent ex who wanted to come over for a good time. i'm disappointed in myself that i wanted to see him too.

but i have too much pride to accept the scraps.