a breather

taking three much needed days "off". in quotes bc i am working from home but just being here as opposed to the office makes a HUGE difference. cleaning/organizing apt now, then gym (again!), then meeting friends for drinks. budget is BLOWN, being covered by savings, but i am just enjoying myself and reining back in after tonight.

feel good.

one step forward, two steps back

i had to go in and have some liquid removed since i was unable to swallow my saliva. a familiar tale. anyway, i am better now AND feeling restricted, not too tight but tight enough that i cannot just eat whatever. i am chewing a lot and taking tiny bites. i think this is how its supposed to be. i'm hopeful that when i go back in two weeks, i will not only have lost weight but the more viscous liquid will be holding the leak. pray pray pray.

i also did something today i have not done in a year almost - gone to the gym! first i didnt feel like it, then couldnt afford it. now i have paid it up and added it to my budget and went for an hour today followed by a leisurely stroll around park slope. it feels great. i'm going out to a party tonight too.

the budget is OKAY, straining this week i must admit due to the costs of the baby shower last weekend. but i have enough for a bottle of wine tonight to bring to the fete. i transfered some money from savings which my sister will shoot me for but i will repay myself next paycheck - i just do not want to be down to NOTHING. i have food and all that but its still awful to not have a dime to your name.

also, finally getting grown up furniture! my sister is selling me her living room set on RIDICULOUS discount and on lay away but delivering immediately. i'm so excited! i love this apartment but never have anyone over (except idiots i'm hooking up with) because i have this beat down, to' up couch and a weird thing my tv sits on. i still need a new tv stand but have nice bookshelves, nice art and now nice seating!!

i've sprung a leak

so its confirmed - my band has a leak. the port to be more specific. i was supposed to be up to 8 ccs and when they withdrew to check, it was only 5. he filled me up with a more viscous fluid than the saline solution, up to 6.5. well actually he filled it to 7 but then i couldn't swallow my saliva and started throwing up and feeling awful so he took out 0.5 ccs. i have an appt in a couple weeks where they will check to see that it is still at 6.5 or close to. if its not, then the port will have to be changed. meaning, another surgery. a short, 10 minute surgery, but surgery nonetheless.... i am glad i finally addressed this. i do not know what took me so long to figure this out. anyway, hopefully we are back on track.

it wasn't supposed to be easy but this happens in like 1 percent of patients - and of course happened to me.

i feel better but not great. its been a while since i had a real fill i guess and i forgot how lovely this feels. gagging, burping, choking, gagging again. i can drink liquids verrry slowly and just spent 40 minutes having a scoop of ice cream - it was mostly melted - not good for me but i needed food but obviously couldn't tolerate anything. so ice cream. now having some tea. at least i do not feel hungry after a scoop of ice cream, right??!

do over?

i spoke to the nurse at my doctor's office and it does appear that something is wrong with the lap band. it may have a leak which is preventing it from filling me up. if that is the case, then they will have to re-do the procedure. it wasn't awful fortunately so i will have it redone if necessary but what a fucking pain in the ass.

wow, i'm a terrible blogger!

i need to make this a daily habit. otherwise its moot.

quick update - weight loss is slooooow. my brother actually had the lap band surgery yesterday. that makes FOUR of seven kids who have had weight loss surgery. my dad is thin as a rail and two of my sisters got his genes and the rest of us... well, you know. i had a fill last week and then went in two days later to get another fill because i wasn't tight enough. one week later, able to eat a pretty sizeable cheeseburger and some fries. i am going to call and speak to someone because ever since i went to the ER in MAY, it just has not been the same. i am scared that the band slipped and i might have to have the procedure done again. i pray this isn't the case.

however, i am back to good with the gym and so that is a priority. although there is a new article saying that exercise will not help you lose weight! http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1914857,00.html - kind of takes the wind out of my sails. that said, the gym is great for muscle tone, good sleep, energy so its still worth it obviously.

my financial situation is vastly improved. i have stuck to the budget like glue! and thanks to my sister's diligence i have been really good. only one minor slip, that wasn't even a slip because my insurance company somehow forgot to bill me in july but is taking double in august. thats fine - its on the spreadsheet. i even now know how i am going to deal with wedding presents that are sickly late without breaking the bank! my sister really is amazing. i feel SO much more relaxed - i did not even realize how stressed i was.

i got an A in my summer class - 3.93 GPA. i'm bragging. but i work so hard at school and work that i feel like i can brag about that at least. those are the things i know for sure i am good at...

relationships - that's another thing. i'm not so good at those.

mr craigslist is in ireland. i miss him. i cannot help but wish he would come to his senses. i am also dying to have sex. i admit it. i'm used to it and its been so long. sad.

morgan spazzed on me after just one date - he wanted me to go out with him again and was pissed that i wouldn't drop everything. he called a week later to apologize and ask for another date. i said okay even though i was kind of like, if he spazzs after one date, what is he like in a relationship? but i gave him the benefit of the doubt. we went out tuesday night and he pretty much told me that he wants to see me a lot... i was taken aback - not only because its so quick but because i sense that he just really wants a girlfriend and i happen to fit the bill. i also am not feeling him at all. not attracted. at all. he's not UGLY or anything, just not my type, i guess. i don't know. but i am willing to go out with him again - doesn't seem right to write him off yet. but i will be honest and say that i am still figuring stuff out. i don't want to be lead on and i certainly do not want to do that to anyone else. he's really nice and smart and we have a nice time together. the thing is that even though i really want sex, i do not see myself even kissing him - that says something to me...

the dude i met on the subway - jesus is his name! - i was planning on going out with him once or twice. i could see myself making out with him for sure. but he freaked me out when he called 8 times in a ROW. he left one message and then just called every five minutes or so. then a couple more times over the weekend. i don't know - that is weird right?

tomorrow i am meeting a friend for coffee or wine on his roofdeck. hmm. he and i have made out a bunch of times but never anything serious. he's a runner, slim, attractive. well he was attractive before he became manorexic. thats what i never got - he is always coming on to me (after drinks) but i would think that my body type would repulse him considering his fanaticism. but i also know that lots of men find fat women sexy and it kind of confuses them... whatever, i do not want to make out with him again and i hope he doesn't try anything. we are just supposed to be chatting about volunteer opportunities for him... unless thats an ulterior motive????

why am i so suspicious today???

anyway, apologies for the delay in posting to my ONE reader :) and i will try to do better in the future. probs not this weekend - insane day tomorrow, prepping for baby shower saturday morning, then baby shower, then running off to fire island until sunday night!

i have a pretty awesome life, i should NOT complain as much as i do. i'm sure i will be back on here bitching and moaning in no time.

a long day!

i woke up first around 7am, half drunk and half hungover. i bailed on work which i have not done in a long time but it was a necessity.

it was my friends last day at work, she is starting her mba program this fall. so we went to a nearby mexican restaurant and there were pitchers of margaritas that were the most toxic i have ever had. i joked that they were made from paint thinner and turpentine and i do not think i was far off. i still drank too many of them and was already drunk when we made our way to a karoake bar. many many many pitchers of beer later, i was passed out in the back of the cab with a paper bag over my face in case i threw up. good times.

i seriously felt AWFUL today but i was not the only one. everyone was tanked and out too late. messy. it took me hours to convince myself to get up for water and food even though i knew they would make me feel better.

and i had a date scheduled. i pushed it back a few hours to 7pm and was able to pull myself together, throw on a nice dress and put on some make up so i did not look like death. i was not particularly excited about the date but nervous as i have not been on one in a while. not a real one anyway. we met at a place in cobble hill called the chocolate room which is a nice date place. not great for a girl on a diet but fortunately i do not have a super sweet tooth. just some coffee and a chocolate chip cookie and a couple bites of my dates chocolate cake.

so my date. morgan. 28, persian, getting his mba. he did his undergrad in engineering at an international university in cyprus then moved to the us to live with his sister and do his graduate degree. very nice, smart and funny. his profile said he was five foot ten so i was not surprised that he was closer to five foot eight. he is sort of attractive but not the look i generally go for. also, he is on the slim side which makes me feel somewhat self-conscious. but we had a nice time, nice conversation... we are planning to go out again soon. so i guess that means he liked me. and i am willing to see how it goes. definitely a good experience!

i have not been good with the budget the past few days. i charged a pitcher of beer and took out cash today. but i took my cards out of my wallet and kept only half the cash for the next couple days for coffee and toilet paper. the other has to go to some groceries, i am finally running low. going to my sisters tomorrow to help her organize some stuff for ebay - hope to convince her to pay me $10 or with free stuff. and seeing my brother on sunday who owes me $15. so not terrible but not great. i have some reimbursements coming my way soon too so that is also good.

all in all, good stuff.

i have some work to do this weekend and need to work on my paper and some stuff for school which sucks but just two more weeks of class then a FULL MONTH OFF! then post labor day, back to hell. but i am going to enjoy every moment of freedom i have - including going to the gym, free events in the city, hanging out with my niece.

my niece - the love of my life. my six year old niece has autism and i really think that makes me love her more somehow. i am so fiercely protective of her. fortunately, she likes being held and touched and is not a severe case. she is also of normal intelligence thankfully. i just want her to have a good life. at six years old, her idiocyncrasies are not damning but every year that goes by that she is in special education and not really communicating is scary. not everyone is nice or understanding of people who have disabilities and that is what worries me. and her parents of course. but i made a commitment about a year and a half ago that i was going to spend more time with her and build a relationship and i am happy that we have made such progress. my brother is too. i just love her. her long eyelashes, her beautiful face, her smile, her little hands, her obsession with dora and diego, her willfulness... over christmas break, we went to the aquarium in atlanta (stunning) and saw these amazing whale sharks. we talked about the whale sharks a million times. when she saw the fish tanks at the prospect park zoo, she said "whale shark". you never know what is getting through to her at the time but there it was. months later and she made that connection. prompted by her mother, she told me "i love you too" - and i burst into tears. i never thought i would hear those works from her and it just killed me.

autism is a real issue in our world today. we do not know what causes it or why it happens. it is also such a HUMAN condition - i mean, taking away the ability to relate socially for such a social animal... baffling. it happens everywhere and in every culture and every social class. i do not think there is a cure or that we will necessarily know one in our lifetime. all i hope is that she continues to make progress in such a way to live a somewhat independent and satisfying life.

anyway, thats it for now. going to try to do a bit of homework before calling it a night.

one step forward, one step back

i finally completely broke up with mr. craigslist. he does not want the type of serious relationship i want and likely never will so it needed to happen. still sucks though. i seem to have a habit of meeting and dating men that are commitment-phobic or something. except, they often seem to marry the person they date RIGHT AFTER ME.

anyway, i have a date with someone from match.com on friday after work. i am not that excited about it but i have to get back into the saddle so to speak...

foodwise - okay. i had a little post-breakup pig out but certainly not at the level that it could have been. have to get back on the horse tomorrow (what is with these lame metaphors today!).

i really need to go to the gym but i owe them money and they were not having it. i plan to pay that down soon so i can go. it will help with weight loss and mood and i need that.

the budget is going well mostly. its hard but necessary. i told the bride that i cannot go to vegas for her bachelorette. unfortunately we already have a strained relationship from the past and it just seemed like another inconsiderate move on my part. i do feel bad about it but it is what it is. my friend should be able to move past this and think about what a real friend is - which is rush to her side when she needs me, stay on the phone for hours when she needs it, be her support... but sometimes that doesn't matter, i guess. we will see.

life goes on.

the good life... one day

i feel great. i had a fill today and had some soup for dinner and feel full. i had one cc put into my band, now up to 6 ccs. i am not as restricted as i think i should be but the nurse assures me that we are building up nicely even though i am up one pound. i have my next appt in three weeks.

the budget is good so far. i have told all and sundry about it and everyone is supportive. i just went over the bills with my sister again today and am doing great. once things get further along, my entertainment budget will increase a smidge. i really have to allocate my 401a and 403b but haven't done that yet. rome wasnt built in a day.

as i said before, the budget is also helping me eat healthier. for lunch/snacks tomorrow, i have some tuna salad, a slimfast and a mango. except for my morning coffee "treat" no money spent.

this blog is turning out to be about money as well as weightloss which i did not anticipate but which is just right for me. those are the two areas of my life which i have struggled with consistently and am finally doing something about. i feel hopeful and empowered now which is just amazing.

the weather is beautiful right now so i did some walking today too which also feels good. i am SO tired though. i had too much coffee i think today so the post-caffeine crash is kicking me in the head. going to do some reading, some homework (grad school is no joke) then bedtime!

a long weekend ahead

so i'm officially ON THE BUDGET. its intense but good. my sister is really helping me. i have an aggressive plan to save and pay down debt.

i canceled my trip to las vegas. it was for a bachelorette that i was ambivalent about to begin with. fun vacay but expensive and i just could not enjoy it. i will tell the bride this weekend and face that wrath. actually just received the bridesmaid dress. $300 and not that nice. i haven't tried it yet but i ordered it before i lost some weight so it looks huge. i am going to wait until a month before the wedding to get it tailored. if i am still in the wedding that is.

this is a long weekend that i have been looking forward to for a while. i need the rest. but its a little sad to not have any plans/not be able to afford plans. but this is nyc - i should be able to find a party or bbq and some free or close to free activities. and if its not too hot, lots of time to walk around the beautiful neighborhood. i can still afford an iced coffee and some people watching after all...

mr craigslist and i have been seeing each other. (he isn't married alix but i did consider that he had a girlfriend or something somewhere!) i really need to cut it off entirely but its hard. dating in this city is hard to begin with and even harder when you don't fit some ideal of beauty. hard but not impossible. i keep looking...

at least my cats love me no matter what i look like or what my breath smells like in the morning!

on a budget and on a diet!

i am on a budget! i worked with my super smart sister to put myself on a detailed budget. we cut out over $200 in monthly expenses from cellphone, cable (!) and internet service - i got different providers or changed level of service. i am at work all the time so i don't need the supersize premium packages. i mean, i am watching a documentary about "hand fishing" on pbs so definitely missing the showtime and hbo right now. i will get over it. and as long as i get my act together and get my savings up, i can get it again...

i bought tons of groceries today. we went to costco and the supermarket. economy package of litter, tuna, pasta sauce, chicken, pita, cold cuts, fruits and veggies. i split some with my sister as much of this would go bad otherwise. my sister also gave me some soups, couscous, curry mix, tea and crystal light as well i also don't have that much storage space. i made dinner tonight, lunch for tomorrow. since i am making it myself and planning ahead, i am making healthier meals and healthier snacks. so it will help the diet as well.

thats the thing about the lap band - or any other bariatric surgery. you still have to watch what you eat. you can eat a wide array of yummy things but you simply cannot eat very much. you cannot have ice cream and mashed potatoes every day - these are "soft calories". you can take in more ice cream than grilled chicken for example which is loaded with calories and fat and so you can gain weight. you have to figure out what you can tolerate and what you cannot.

recently, my fills have not been so filling. i still feel hungry and within a couple days can eat a ton. i am going back on july 6th for another adjustment. what is this, the third in five weeks? i mean, i guess its trial and error for these first few months but its frustrating. it is. i want to keep making progress. that said, the budget is addressing this directly and indirectly.

nothing new with boys. someone emailed me on match "hey. can i eat you out". shakespeare has nothing on this poet! since i have not been seeking out mr craigslist, he has been seeking me out. we had an alfresco picnic with wine the other day. and now he wants to make me dinner - his homemade meatballs. (hmm... i hope this wasn't a pun.) its confusing!

i went to brunch with a friend, her husband and their two kids. when you see a couple like that, you're like "oh yeah, it happens." and it looks great.

drinking drugs donuts and dollars

that title doesn't make much sense does it? but i wanted to have an aliteration and so there it was. the point is - booze + drugs (weed) = eating crap. which i did all weekend. and so many calories in those mixed drinks and the fruity girly drinks. i get sick of drinking vodka sodas and white wine and don't always love beer. but such is life.

i just borrowed $1500 from my parents. waiting for the wrath of my disappointed siblings. the sad thing is that this won't solve all my problems! just alleviates them for a week until next month when the clock starts ticking again. but i am committed to this money thing. i do not want to turn 32 penniless despite a good job. my parents never made the money i do, yet they took care of seven children. and admitting it to everyone helps so much. trying not to feel shame about it. maybe even proud of myself for putting my pride aside to help myself.

i am canceling the trip to las vegas. which will create LOTS OF ISSUES. but that is how it has to be. my parents are loaning me money while they are retired - i cannot be jetsetting to vegas. it just cannot be. sadly, no refunds available through virgin atlantic except credit with them. unfortunately, they do not fly anywhere i want to go! except seattle. maybe i will mooch off my sister and her husband for a week during the summer. it will cost the same as the flight to vegas which is already paid for - and i dont need to really spend money while i am there.

and i realized - as much as i love fire island - i cannot go there for full weekends. too expensive and too much bad food. i ate so much and drank so much and felt awful about it. no mas.

nothing new on the boy front. mr craigslist keeps calling and im-ing. i'm over it. but i did try to make out with a 27 year old this weekend so i need to check myself. match and nerve are not yielding any new fruit. in fact, i emailed last week with someone i met three years ago who is back on the site. with the same pics! umm, really? talk about truthiness. i hung out with another guy i dated, z, last week. he is an attractive man but is too angry and arrogant for me. i don't think that is how he REALLY is but he acts that way a lot which is almost the same thing... the truth is that he has a crazy family history and is constantly trying to prove himself. nothing seems to make him happy and that bums me out after a while. but that is how it is.

one thing i will say about z is that with him, i never felt like he was with me because i'm big - he was just attracted to me as he is attracted to other women. he once said that guys always talk about models but they are turned on by real women - the difference is that he could be honest about it. kind of refreshing...

the most recent fill still isnt enough. ironically i am now back to the point i was when i was gagging and had to go to the ER. i guess that was too much all at once. but its definitely not tight enough. i am going in next week for another "bump". looking forward to it.

refill and shower and finances

i have to go in on tuesday for a refill. i was filled on thursday but its still too loose. i feel hungry and am able to eat way more than i should be. i am proud of myself for being responsible enough to proactively seek out a fill rather than wait until the next scheduled date...

i was at a bridal shower yesterday and although i usually hate them i found myself longing to be the bride. and wondering if i was thinner now, if i would be closer to finding the right person...

interestingly, there are very few people i have dated that i am not in contact with in some way. the most recent one, we still have booty calls but i think that has to end because frankly i'm not feeling it anymore. but i am friends on facebook with my two serious ex-boyfriends. and another one and i get together for coffee every few months or so. he just texted me. i wonder what this means. does this mean i have difficultly letting go (which i do) or, on a more positive note, that i was important to these guys even if i wasn't the right person for them and so they still want me in their lives - even if in a peripheral way... i like that idea.

i now find myself seeking out pictures of myself - something i didn't do for years - and liking more and more of what i see. far from perfect and perfect from far. har har.

i read a blog recently about the similar characteristics of people in debt. they are usually obese, they eat out often (which contributes to obesity), they don't exercise regularly, they have premium cable channels (!) and are often early adopters to technology. i have an ipod and a blackberry and cable and things that if i cut them out, i would have far less monthly expenses. but i justify having them. that said, i made a choice that after this season of true blood (don't hate), i will be getting rid of hbo. then after dexter's season is over, i will get rid of that too. i lived for a while without the premium channels so should be able to do so again. if anything i can also wait for the dvds or sneak over to a friends to bogart their tivo... i don't need a new blackberry - even though i want to - so i will wait until my contract is up and call at&t and get a new one for free or change to verizon. i also recently signed up for these weird part-time secret shopper assignments, they do not pay much but something is better than nothing.

the payday loans are killing me and i am trying to get out of those for good. i have to. i make way too much money to be this behind on rent and my shrink bills. i am calling the rental office tomorrow and getting the sick balance and i might have to swallow my pride and borrow from my family to pay it off. there is no sense in being ashamed and not being able to get help when i need it. i have had too many chances and i find myself back in the same situation. my two vices - food and money. but i cannot continue to feel helpless about it. i have to be better.

almost 20 pounds down since january

i went in for my fill today to make up for the liquid removed during my ER visit. i was weighed and am now 268. six pounds lost in less than four weeks - amazing. made even more so by the fact that i was pretty "loose" these past few weeks. so overall, 14 pounds since surgery and almost 20 since the beginning of the year. its happening!!! people are noticing too.

the discomfort, the pain... its worth it.

fat grrrl dating

i wasn't always fat. i was on teams and super-active all through high school and most of college. i started getting heavy during my junior year in college, after getting on birth control (wishful thinking, i wasn't really having sex so often). then i spent a semester in senegal and gained about 30 pounds, putting me over the 200 mark. senior year of college, i lost some of the weight again by exercising like a lunatic. i moved to los angeles with a friend and through walking around and not having much money for food, i lost weight again. i moved back to nyc and into a sedentary life of working long hours and not exercising. my weight gain was slow but steady. i had ups and downs throughout those first few years.

the biggest bang was went i went on antidepressants in 2004. thats when the weight really exploded. suddenly, nothing fit. size 18 clothes were no longer fitting. and it kept going up. i was kind of in denial about it for so long. but i didn't look in the mirror much anymore (didn't own a full length mirror) and i would avoid looking at myself in pictures. i have a passel of thin friends who could keep themselves thin by not eating. not particularly healthy but thin.

and my weight kept going up.

at this time, i had two serious relationships. one with a turkish guy whom i loved who started to become less enchanted with me as i gained weight. i was hurt but felt ashamed of my depression and frankly he had little patience with what he considered my personality failures. then i dated a man whom i loved and thought i would marry. he eventually broke my heart and is now married to someone else. but he was attracted to me, even though i wasn't thin and attractive in the traditional sense. i was comfortable with him, comfortable being naked in front of him, felt sexy and amazing. our breakup really threw me into the deepest depression i had been in in years. fortunately, i found and began seeing an amazing therapist.

ironically, despite hating how my body looked, i was becoming a happier person. the antidepressants and therapy were helping me. it was like the block i had around my body was lifted and i knew there was something i needed to do about my (now) obese body. i also knew that despite feeling that i was never going to find someone to love who would love me for me - i still WANTED it. and i still do.

i wish that i believed that i could find someone before losing a significant amount of weight but i know that that is really hard to find. i'm not attracted to fat men so it stands to reason that the men i want are not attracted to me. but it still sucks.

i was casually seeing a man i met on craigslist "casual encounters" for the last year. somewhere along the line, it stopped being casual. we spent a significant amount of time together with lots of intimacy and cuddling... but it never left my apartment. he would come over, we would have amazing sex, cuddle, sleep, have dinner, watch movies - but always alone. when i got to the point where i wanted more and asked to take things to the next level - out of my apartment and into the real world, he hemmed and hawed and finally said he didn't want a relationship. i began to suspect that he didn't want his friends seeing him with a fat, black girl. we never talked about it - but i cannot help but wonder.

sometimes, it feels like being fat is worse than being a criminal.

after we ended things, i signed up for nerve and match, two online dating sites i have used successfully in the past. well, successfully may be an exaggeration but not by much. i mean, i did have relationships and dates from both those sites. the last time i was on those sites actively was 2007 however and i am definitely fatter now. sure, i will lose more weight in the coming months and years but for NOW, i'm at my fattest. and no one is winking, hotlisting or emailing. its like being invisible. its hard to move on when there is no one to move on to.

its funny - i went through a period where i was really depressed and lonely and would post "bbw" ads on craigslist. i would get so many emails - from guys i WOULD be attracted to - who wanted to have sex with me. but it was always in this dirty fetishist way. ugh.

i am confident about my intelligence and my worth as a person. but not about the way i look. not yet. losing weight isn't my only battle. its also in my head. i need to believe that i deserve someone who loves me and i need to believe that my inner value is as important as my outer appearance. some days are better than others. today is a tough day, after logging in to the dating sites and getting no responses AND hearing from the married ex AND hearing from the recent ex who wanted to come over for a good time. i'm disappointed in myself that i wanted to see him too.

but i have too much pride to accept the scraps.

girdles as torture device

i am in my sister's wedding on saturday, june 6th. i have a pretty nice dress - red jersey, floor length with a satin band around the waist. the cleavage is a bit much. but i look pretty good in it. jersey material is very comfortable - but is not the most flattering. it tends to highlight physical flaws. so today, i went with my sister and mother to buy a GIRDLE.

i have been avoiding wearing them for years. i bought one last year for another bridesmaid dress (always the bridesmaid, nevah the bride!) but it was so uncomfortable and didn't really seem to make me look any better. i tried wearing it one or two times but then stopped - it doesn't feel good and i don't look good in it, so why bother?

but i definitely need something with this jersey dress. so off we went to macys. thin people can wear spanx and shapewear. fat people wear girdles. i also resisted getting one because it was like throwing in the towel and saying "i give up - i'm fat!". my mom and sister pulled a few types - some that are like tight panties, some that are like biking shorts, some that are like a corset, one piece bathing suit... i tried them on over my underwear and checked out the fit with the dress i was wearing. i was moving like a contortionist trying to get these medieval torture devices unto my body. i began sweating profusely, doing this crazy dance, jumping, tugging, yanking. it took like five minutes to just get the first one on - only to have my mother tell me it wasn't the right kind!

i did end up finding one i liked - and it was $60. wtf!?! i am broke as a joke now but i was willing to get it because once i got the one i liked, i didn't need to try on any others and that was worth $1 billion dollars! i went to the sale rack and found a similar style in tan and black that were $12 each on sale - $8 after the coupon discount. win! they are comfortable enough that i am considering wearing one tomorrow. as awful as it feels to be someone who wears a girdle, an old fatty, but my stomach and love handles were greatly reduced and i looked neater, less sloppy. kinda worth it.

i am going back for a re-fill next week. as long as i get back to losing weight and maybe even trek to the gym for once, then the girdles can be a part of my past. right?

blogging ain't easy

i have more respect for bloggers. not that i didn't before. but even though thoughts are running through my mind constantly, writing them down is not always appealing.

so a lot has already happened since my first post. the fill was too tight. i started feeling odd, like i was choking on my saliva a few hours later. but feeling like you are choking is par for the course. i let it go. then around 3pm, i lay down under my desk to try to settle my stomach. despite not having anything in it, i felt nauseated somehow. i went home in a cab. i was feeling dizzy and so nauseated. all of a sudden i threw up into my mouth - all foamy saliva and the tablespoon of water i had earlier in the day. i opened the door of the cab and let it out into the street.

gross.

i got home, tried some warm liquids, some cold liquids and a little bit of rum (booze loosens the band a bit, my doctor actually suggested it!). everything came back up. eventually, i couldn't swallow my saliva. i followed the recommendations of my shrink (more about him later) and called the on-call doctor. she finally called me back and then contacted one of the bariatric interns to meet me at the ER. i waited for five hours but it was worth it. the two seconds it took to remove the liquid from the band were worth it. i felt so amazing after. it was the right choice. i could not stop drinking water. i was sore and it was moving slowly - but moving.

i have to go back next week for a re-fill. a less ambitious one this time. lesson learned - you have to trust yourself. if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't (i should use this more in my dating life!).

choking and burping

i decided to start this blog today to chronicle my weight loss "journey" after having the lap band procedure almost two months ago.

i currently weigh 274 pounds. i cringe looking at that number. you have a moment of "how the fuck did it get so bad?" but its been many years and generations maybe in the making. my highest weight was 285. almost 300 pounds. jesus. i remember when i weighed 150 and i thought i was fat. i was a junior in high school.

the last time i really liked how my body looked i was about 23 and about 200 pounds. fat but i always carried it relatively well and exercised regularly so the fat was tight at least. or maybe i am fooling myself. more about that to come.

anyway, the point of this blog is to have a public diary (an oxymoron) of this process i am now going through.

the title of this post, "choking and burping," is literal. after having the lap band surgery, you go in about once a month to have the band tightened, which reduces your ability to eat or drink thus helping you lose weight. its a physical restriction - you literally cannot eat or drink past a certain (small) amount or you are in excrutiating pain or you throw up. the day you have the band tightened is the worst one. the process takes seconds but results in 24 - 48 hours of feeling like you are choking - even on your own saliva. i am thirsty but cannot drink. its kind of torture.

i start feeling like "i wish i didn't get this procedure, i cannot live like a normal person" but then i remember "oh right, but i was out of control, huge and needed help". i cannot help feeling a bit pathetic on fill day. just so physically uncomfortable and THIRSTY but a sip of water is like drowning and just not worth it. not today.

so if you are considering this procedure or are curious about it or think that its the "easy" way out for fatties - this blog will be honest about all the pros and cons. hopefully, we will all learn something from this!