Monday, June 22, 2009

drinking drugs donuts and dollars

that title doesn't make much sense does it? but i wanted to have an aliteration and so there it was. the point is - booze + drugs (weed) = eating crap. which i did all weekend. and so many calories in those mixed drinks and the fruity girly drinks. i get sick of drinking vodka sodas and white wine and don't always love beer. but such is life.

i just borrowed $1500 from my parents. waiting for the wrath of my disappointed siblings. the sad thing is that this won't solve all my problems! just alleviates them for a week until next month when the clock starts ticking again. but i am committed to this money thing. i do not want to turn 32 penniless despite a good job. my parents never made the money i do, yet they took care of seven children. and admitting it to everyone helps so much. trying not to feel shame about it. maybe even proud of myself for putting my pride aside to help myself.

i am canceling the trip to las vegas. which will create LOTS OF ISSUES. but that is how it has to be. my parents are loaning me money while they are retired - i cannot be jetsetting to vegas. it just cannot be. sadly, no refunds available through virgin atlantic except credit with them. unfortunately, they do not fly anywhere i want to go! except seattle. maybe i will mooch off my sister and her husband for a week during the summer. it will cost the same as the flight to vegas which is already paid for - and i dont need to really spend money while i am there.

and i realized - as much as i love fire island - i cannot go there for full weekends. too expensive and too much bad food. i ate so much and drank so much and felt awful about it. no mas.

nothing new on the boy front. mr craigslist keeps calling and im-ing. i'm over it. but i did try to make out with a 27 year old this weekend so i need to check myself. match and nerve are not yielding any new fruit. in fact, i emailed last week with someone i met three years ago who is back on the site. with the same pics! umm, really? talk about truthiness. i hung out with another guy i dated, z, last week. he is an attractive man but is too angry and arrogant for me. i don't think that is how he REALLY is but he acts that way a lot which is almost the same thing... the truth is that he has a crazy family history and is constantly trying to prove himself. nothing seems to make him happy and that bums me out after a while. but that is how it is.

one thing i will say about z is that with him, i never felt like he was with me because i'm big - he was just attracted to me as he is attracted to other women. he once said that guys always talk about models but they are turned on by real women - the difference is that he could be honest about it. kind of refreshing...

the most recent fill still isnt enough. ironically i am now back to the point i was when i was gagging and had to go to the ER. i guess that was too much all at once. but its definitely not tight enough. i am going in next week for another "bump". looking forward to it.

1 comment:

  1. Gosh I love how you write. So free and conversational. It's like I'm in the room with you, hands clasped around a hot cup of coffee. That's a gift you know.

    I don't know the details of your money woes or your job, but you have mentioned several times that you make good money and have a good job. Is debt eating you alive? I think you are wise to cancel your playdates until you can get your debt under control. Debt will kill your spirit, that's for sure. I think we have all been there, but it is so emancipating to conquer it. And as for your disapproving sibs... ignore them. It's easy to pass judgment from way up on a pedestal, but walk a mile in my moccasins ya'll. That's what I say.

    Hey, regardless of how you got into the position you're in, you are doing the best you can to manage it along with some other significant issues. Give yourself a break. I think you're very brave, honest, and humorous. Oh yeah - and intelligent as hell.

    The boys will always show up. It doesn't matter what you weigh or how you look. Just choose wisely there too because ultimately, what you want (i think... what we all want, I think...) is a solid committed relationship with someone you can love, trust, and spend the rest of your life with. Booty calls definitely have their place, but remember... while you are shaking your booty, somebody with real potential may be walking on by.

    Since I have recently been through and am still on the weight loss bandwagon, I have a suggestion. Take it or leave it, but alcohol is going to kill your weight loss. Maybe use it as a reward on the weekends for a week of healthy eating and limit it. You'll be amazed how well you can survive on one or two with a little practice. Oh, and if you like Margaritas, Hungry Girl has a diet recipe which is supposed to be good. 100 calories per drink. Let me know if you'd like me to send you the recipe.

    Have a great week. And write more about your WLS. It's foreign to me so I'd like to understand the process and procedure better.