i wasn't always fat. i was on teams and super-active all through high school and most of college. i started getting heavy during my junior year in college, after getting on birth control (wishful thinking, i wasn't really having sex so often). then i spent a semester in senegal and gained about 30 pounds, putting me over the 200 mark. senior year of college, i lost some of the weight again by exercising like a lunatic. i moved to los angeles with a friend and through walking around and not having much money for food, i lost weight again. i moved back to nyc and into a sedentary life of working long hours and not exercising. my weight gain was slow but steady. i had ups and downs throughout those first few years.
the biggest bang was went i went on antidepressants in 2004. thats when the weight really exploded. suddenly, nothing fit. size 18 clothes were no longer fitting. and it kept going up. i was kind of in denial about it for so long. but i didn't look in the mirror much anymore (didn't own a full length mirror) and i would avoid looking at myself in pictures. i have a passel of thin friends who could keep themselves thin by not eating. not particularly healthy but thin.
and my weight kept going up.
at this time, i had two serious relationships. one with a turkish guy whom i loved who started to become less enchanted with me as i gained weight. i was hurt but felt ashamed of my depression and frankly he had little patience with what he considered my personality failures. then i dated a man whom i loved and thought i would marry. he eventually broke my heart and is now married to someone else. but he was attracted to me, even though i wasn't thin and attractive in the traditional sense. i was comfortable with him, comfortable being naked in front of him, felt sexy and amazing. our breakup really threw me into the deepest depression i had been in in years. fortunately, i found and began seeing an amazing therapist.
ironically, despite hating how my body looked, i was becoming a happier person. the antidepressants and therapy were helping me. it was like the block i had around my body was lifted and i knew there was something i needed to do about my (now) obese body. i also knew that despite feeling that i was never going to find someone to love who would love me for me - i still WANTED it. and i still do.
i wish that i believed that i could find someone before losing a significant amount of weight but i know that that is really hard to find. i'm not attracted to fat men so it stands to reason that the men i want are not attracted to me. but it still sucks.
i was casually seeing a man i met on craigslist "casual encounters" for the last year. somewhere along the line, it stopped being casual. we spent a significant amount of time together with lots of intimacy and cuddling... but it never left my apartment. he would come over, we would have amazing sex, cuddle, sleep, have dinner, watch movies - but always alone. when i got to the point where i wanted more and asked to take things to the next level - out of my apartment and into the real world, he hemmed and hawed and finally said he didn't want a relationship. i began to suspect that he didn't want his friends seeing him with a fat, black girl. we never talked about it - but i cannot help but wonder.
sometimes, it feels like being fat is worse than being a criminal.
after we ended things, i signed up for nerve and match, two online dating sites i have used successfully in the past. well, successfully may be an exaggeration but not by much. i mean, i did have relationships and dates from both those sites. the last time i was on those sites actively was 2007 however and i am definitely fatter now. sure, i will lose more weight in the coming months and years but for NOW, i'm at my fattest. and no one is winking, hotlisting or emailing. its like being invisible. its hard to move on when there is no one to move on to.
its funny - i went through a period where i was really depressed and lonely and would post "bbw" ads on craigslist. i would get so many emails - from guys i WOULD be attracted to - who wanted to have sex with me. but it was always in this dirty fetishist way. ugh.
i am confident about my intelligence and my worth as a person. but not about the way i look. not yet. losing weight isn't my only battle. its also in my head. i need to believe that i deserve someone who loves me and i need to believe that my inner value is as important as my outer appearance. some days are better than others. today is a tough day, after logging in to the dating sites and getting no responses AND hearing from the married ex AND hearing from the recent ex who wanted to come over for a good time. i'm disappointed in myself that i wanted to see him too.
but i have too much pride to accept the scraps.