refill and shower and finances

i have to go in on tuesday for a refill. i was filled on thursday but its still too loose. i feel hungry and am able to eat way more than i should be. i am proud of myself for being responsible enough to proactively seek out a fill rather than wait until the next scheduled date...

i was at a bridal shower yesterday and although i usually hate them i found myself longing to be the bride. and wondering if i was thinner now, if i would be closer to finding the right person...

interestingly, there are very few people i have dated that i am not in contact with in some way. the most recent one, we still have booty calls but i think that has to end because frankly i'm not feeling it anymore. but i am friends on facebook with my two serious ex-boyfriends. and another one and i get together for coffee every few months or so. he just texted me. i wonder what this means. does this mean i have difficultly letting go (which i do) or, on a more positive note, that i was important to these guys even if i wasn't the right person for them and so they still want me in their lives - even if in a peripheral way... i like that idea.

i now find myself seeking out pictures of myself - something i didn't do for years - and liking more and more of what i see. far from perfect and perfect from far. har har.

i read a blog recently about the similar characteristics of people in debt. they are usually obese, they eat out often (which contributes to obesity), they don't exercise regularly, they have premium cable channels (!) and are often early adopters to technology. i have an ipod and a blackberry and cable and things that if i cut them out, i would have far less monthly expenses. but i justify having them. that said, i made a choice that after this season of true blood (don't hate), i will be getting rid of hbo. then after dexter's season is over, i will get rid of that too. i lived for a while without the premium channels so should be able to do so again. if anything i can also wait for the dvds or sneak over to a friends to bogart their tivo... i don't need a new blackberry - even though i want to - so i will wait until my contract is up and call at&t and get a new one for free or change to verizon. i also recently signed up for these weird part-time secret shopper assignments, they do not pay much but something is better than nothing.

the payday loans are killing me and i am trying to get out of those for good. i have to. i make way too much money to be this behind on rent and my shrink bills. i am calling the rental office tomorrow and getting the sick balance and i might have to swallow my pride and borrow from my family to pay it off. there is no sense in being ashamed and not being able to get help when i need it. i have had too many chances and i find myself back in the same situation. my two vices - food and money. but i cannot continue to feel helpless about it. i have to be better.